Texas Lou

There have been ALOT of changes in my life since my last post.  I was laid off from my job at VGT back in March.  I was so lucky to find a new job before my lay off date hit  so I didn’t have to worry about being unemployed.  I really like my new job and am learning so many wonderful and valuable skills and gaining new experience in the web programming field.  I’m also getting the opportunity to meet alot of really great people.  But with all of that said, I’m having a very difficult time adjusting to this new part of my life.  This is my 12th week at the new job (10th if you don’t count the 2 weeks I took off for my wedding and honeymoon) and I’m still waking up most mornings paralyzed with fear about my day ahead.  The work is difficult and challenging, but it’s nothing I can’t handle and I have already seen an improvement in my performance now that I have had time to pick up on some of my training and gain some experience.  Sundays are especially difficult as all I can think about is how I’ll soon be subjected to another 5 days of terror.  I know my anxiety is rooted in many fears:  what if I can’t cut it, what if they fire me, what if I never make any new friends, what if this new job takes over my life and I have to become one of those people who works 60 to 80 hours a week, what if I totally screw things up, what if they realize I have no clue what I’m doing.  It’s very scary.

In addition, I really miss my old job.  I don’t really miss the type of work I was doing…that aspect was fine and I could have taken it or left it.  I miss the people  and the culture and the environment so much.  I miss knowing most everybody in the building and being able to strike up a conversation with them in the hallway or while getting my morning coffee.  I miss the inside jokes and the teamwork.  And to make matters worse, so many of these great people that I miss are moving away from the area either to relocate to VGT’s office in Tennessee or to find new jobs in larger cities with more opportunities.  It’s been very difficult and sad to say goodbye to so many wonderful people that have filled my life with joy for the past 4 years.

I know I’ll eventually adjust and my current job will become the new normal, but its just been very hard thus far and I hope that by writing about it, I can gather some feedback and support from others and at the same time, get things off of my chest.

The other change that recently took place in my life was my wedding to Ben.  No complaints there…it was the most wonderful and perfect weekend of my life.  I was surrounded by almost every person in my life that I love which rarely happens and we all had a wonderful time celebrating the beginning of mine and Ben’s marriage to one another. I think that might have been the happiest I have ever been.  But now I feel like I’m on the downward slope of the roller coaster.  After all, when you’re at the top, there is only one way to go.  It took me a while to settle into the new normal of not always thinking about and working toward the wedding.  I’ve been trying to find ways to occupy my new found free time and free brain space.  I love being married to Ben and things haven’t changed much for us as a couple.  But I feel sad often thinking about the fact that the wedding is now over and all of my family has come and gone.  I miss everyone sooo very much and it’s very difficult living so far away from them.  I am thankful for my Virginia family and friends who live so close to me, but I also yearn to be closer to my family who live so far away.  They just make me so happy and everything feels right when they are around.  But perhaps I wouldn’t appreciate them so much if they were closer and it was easier to see them.

So I’ve been trying to push all of this anxiety and sadness out of my heart and head by focusing on finding a house and trying to find new projects and activities to get involved in.  I feel like I am making progress and the clouds of change are slowly clearing, but every now and then I have a particularly cloudy or rainy day and need to escape.  I’ve tried talking to my husband and talking to my self (as crazy as that may sound), so I thought I’d try talking to the blogosphere on this particularly rough day to see if it made me feel any better.